Parts of me Dying
by Fern Paquette
Summary: One-shot featuring Bill and Ginny: the oldest and youngest of a large family. "A little of me died that night, and I'm never going to find it again." Bill's always been the pillar of support for Ginny - what happens when she finds out that he's only human?


A/N: A little oneshot I wrote. Just as clarification, it's written from Ginny's POV and she may sound a little OOC but that's because she just got out of the chamber and has discovered her world shattered. This was particularly hard to write for me because I've never been the youngest. I'm the oldest so I only know how Bill feels - you can't cry in front of your younger siblings; they look up to you so much.

Disclaimer: Just playing with the HP characters!

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My life was always filled with laughter and fun, happiness and joy, brothers and me. The house was always a chaotic mess with everyone running up and down, the chickens crackling and the pranks going strong. Explosions went on daily from the twins, letters came home weekly from Hogwarts, and several times a day, my mother's shouting could be heard berating some kid or the other. Yet, at the same time, laughter was all around. But all this changed.

It couldn't last. I was seven. Bill left. Egypt. He had a career now. A life beyond school and education, a life beyond Hogwarts, a life beyond letters home every week and coming home for Christmas, a life beyond meeting the family at the end of every year… a life beyond me.

But we learned to live with that – he still wrote often and came back for Christmas. It was almost like he was still at school. Life continued normally as Charlie left for Romania and slowly we lost Percy, Fred, George, and finally Ron to Hogwarts. The house wasn't full of laughter anymore, no more chaotic messes and noises – just my mum and me. But the joy was still there.

Letters still came – from Egypt, for Romania, and lots from Hogwarts. Letters from Percy telling us everything about our siblings, letters from the professors telling us every detail of Fred and George's exploits, letters from Fred and George promising to bring back lots of gifts, and letters from Ron detailing his new friends and his life away from home. Life was still good.

Then, I went to Hogwarts. After the chamber, I wasn't the same, regardless of what I tried to pretend. But I would heal. And then, that dreadful night. A part of me died that night as I watched my brother. And that part won't heal.

Being the youngest in the family, I had never seen many sides of Bill, he was always at Hogwarts and he was always strong for us. He sent me letters, I confided in him and we were always closer than expected with an eleven-year difference. I thought I knew him, the oldest, strongest, most confident brother. I had never thought that his life was hard, that being the oldest was hard, that it meant things that we, as the younger, could not imagine.

A part of me died that summer night. He was back from Egypt to spend some of the summer with us. That night, I couldn't sleep. Was it because I subconsciously knew that something was going to change after that night? I'll never know. All I know is that I couldn't sleep - the shadows mocked me, the winds screeched outside my window.

Climbing out of bed, I headed for Bill's room. I wanted it to be like before, when I would have a nightmare and he'd come comfort me and hold me tight telling me everything would be all right. After the chamber, I was desperate for some real comfort without making it seem like I needed to be babied more than I already was. Bill provided the ideal opportunity. He wouldn't ask questions, he would be the supportive big brother, just like he always was. I didn't know it then but he did it because that was his job, his job as the oldest sibling to be there for everyone; to be strong and supportive, to never cry.

Tiptoeing down the hallway to his bedroom, careful not to wake anyone, I pushed the door open without knocking. What I saw stopped my heart. My brother, my oldest brother, my idol, was hunched over the bed crying.

He had never cried before. Never, in all my twelve years do I remember him crying. Even Charlie doesn't remember the day when Bill cried.

I just stood there, watching his shoulders shake as he cried and I couldn't help it, I cried too. The very foundation I stood on was ruined.

There's a time in every child's life that you realize your parents can only do so much, that they're only human. But with an older brother, they're perfect, even gods. They can do no wrong. Yet, in front of me was my brother, tears stains on his cheeks as he looked up to see me there. And there I saw it… vulnerability. My brother was only human.

He held open his arms and I needed no more invitation to bury myself into his shirt, just like old times when he would hold me when I cried. Except he was crying, too. And as much as I tried to convince myself that it was the same, I knew it wasn't, and it would never be again. My world was shattered.

Bitterly, he said to me, "It's hard to be the oldest, Gin. You can't cry. You have to stay strong for the family."

And he did. He was always strong for us; even Charlie had never seen him cry. He was always the pillar to lean on. When dad got so sick he nearly died, he didn't cry. When he had to leave us every time for his job, he didn't cry. When Uncle Billius died, he didn't cry. Yet here he was, sobbing over my shoulder at the weight that had been placed on him for being oldest, for being the model, for being the one we all looked up to.

I turned away from him; I didn't want to see his tear-stained cheeks, the painful reminder that my world was ruined. He had a photo-album lying open on the bed. I reached down and gently touched the photograph. It was of us. The whole family of when he left for Hogwarts for the first time. There he was, smiling in his new first year robes with the rest of us behind him. I was so young… just barely born. I'd seen this picture many times but only now do I realize what went on behind the scenes. It had never meant anything that there wasn't a dry eye in the photo except for Bill's, it had never mattered that Bill's smile was a little forced, it hadn't ever registered that this was a significant event other than Bill going to Hogwarts.

But it was. It represented our family being torn apart for the first time. And, it was going to happen more. Again and again as we all left for Hogwarts. Again and again as we all left for jobs. And again and again as we all slowly got married. And Bill was going to be first every time, hiding his tears from us, being strong for us.

There it was. My older brother was only human. That night, the cold truth of the world spilt down on me; there's no one that's perfect. A little of me died that night, and I'm never going to find it again.


End file.
